My Heart is Sinking

I am angry and sad at the same time, but there is nothing I can do about it.

I have always wanted a third child. Well, I have always wanted four, but after Baby Girl was born it took me a while to decide to have another, I guess I needed to have the pain of the experience fade. Three and a half years later I gave birth to The Sequel. As soon as The Sequel was born I knew I wanted another child, yes, it sounds weird, but I just had a feeling.

I have been thinking about a third child these days. Part of me just loves having two but, to me, two just does not seem right (I guess it also has to do with my sister and I being only us two, I just did not like that, we were so competitive). Anyway, to make a long story short, I decided that I was going to look into adopting. This is where my heart breaking into a million pieces comes in, in my search I visited The Texas Foster Care and Adoption website, there you can search for kids, read their bio and see their pictures.

I am angry at the amount of kids waiting to be placed, I am angry at the mother of these children for not taking care of themselves while pregnant - some of the kids are born addicted to drugs and alcohol, they have Shaken Child Syndrome (that causes a plethora of side effects), or have diseases that could have easily been prevented if the mom would of cared! Some of these kids can not see, can not control their movements, and can not walk.

I am sad at the fact that these kids have to deal with the stupid decisions of their parents. I am sad that these kids can go online and see their picture, read their “problems” and that every day that their picture is up is another day that someone does not want them. I am sad at the fact that because of some of the physical issues some of these kids have, they will most likely never be adopted and they will have to bounce from foster house to foster house until they reach 18 and become a ward of the state and live forever in a state institution.

I feel so helpless. I wish I had a huge house, I wish I could adopt them all, give them a better life, a chance at happiness. I wish I could erase their minds of all the bad stuff that has happened in their short lives and let them all know that someone cares. I am so, so very sad right now.